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A Cornucopia of Corny Thanksgiving Jokes, Straight Off the Cob

Bombeck“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck

Why can’t you take a turkey to church?

Because they use such FOWL language.


Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?

Yes – a building can’t jump at all.


What are unhappy cranberries called?



What’s the best thing to put into a pumpkin pie?

Your teeth.


Why did they let the turkey join the band?

Because he had the drumsticks.


If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?

Their age!


Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?

The outside.


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy answered, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”


Knock, knock! Who’s there? Arthur. Arthur who? Arthur any leftovers?


How To Cook A Turkey:

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey Step

3: Put turkey in the oven Step

4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turk the bastey

Step 8: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 9: Ponder the meat thermometer

Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 11: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 13: Floor the turkey up off of the pick

Step 14: Turk the carvey

Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 17: Bless the dinner and pass out


Luke: What did the turkey say to the computer?

Will: What?

Luke: “Google, google, google.”


A man buys a parrot, only to have it constantly insult him. He tries everything to make the parrot stop, but nothing works. Frustrated, the man puts the parrot in the freezer. After a few minutes the insults stop. The man thinks he might have killed the parrot, so he opens the freezer and takes the parrot out. The parrot is shivering. It stammers, “S-s-sorry for being r-r-rude. Please f-f-forgive me.” Then, after a moment, the parrot softly asks, “W-w-what exactly d-d-did the turkey do?”


Caleb: What key has legs and can’t open doors?

Caitlyn: What?

Caleb: A turkey.


Pat: What’s the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer?

Jerry: I don’t know. What?

Pat: A pirate buries his treasure, but a cranberry farmer treasures his berries.

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